Maderville

Happy Birthday, Sophie

Today is Sophia Caroline Maders birthday. She would have been two years old...my, how time flies. In so many ways, this day is easier to face because I have my beautiful Landry to love and embrace. My eyes have dropped a lot fewer tears since December but as I wake in the morning to face this day I cannot help but to think that it will be even sadder in some ways because of Landry. I know now what I have been missing for the last two years and it's hard for me to wrap my arms the fact that I never experienced the joy of knowing and truly loving a child that I bore from my own womb. That is a tragedy in itself.

For two years, there has been something I wanted to tell many of you but I was afraid to. I was afraid to tell you this because I didn't want to take the chance of someone saying something that I may not be able to forgive them for. I knew that if I heard the phrase..'Well, she was better off' or that 'God did you a favor' or what ever that may have been said because some people just don't know WHAT to say that I would not be able to handle the pain it would cause. The potential for more pain was more than I could bear. I wanted everyone to love my Sophie for who she was...my perfect, beautiful child. Well the truth is, Sophie was born with Down Syndrome...still perfect and beautiful in my eyes but she would have faced her fair share of challenges as all of these children and parents do. She died from an umbilical cord accident and not from her Down Syndrome. It truly was an accident. We did not know until she was born and chose to only tell our family and a handful of other people simply because I didn't want her death to be diminished because she was special. I would have loved her and taken care of her with the same enthusiasm and vigor that I do Landry and I think most of you who know me well would agree with that. Our lives would have been very different but there is nothing I wouldn't do right now to have her back. My only fear is that I may not have Landry and that is something I couldn't even fathom now. I know God has always had a plan for us and that the more patient I become with His will and desires, the more I am rewarded. Landry is the answer not only to our prayers but to many friends and family members that have been on this journey with us. We feel so blessed to have two fearfully and wonderfully made children. God provided us with an experience that allowed us to grow as a couple and as individuals, as parents and as teachers, as friends and as Children of God. We have chosen to be thankful for the good that has come from losing Sophie and as a human, that is a harder task than anything I have EVER done. For her birthday, all I ask of you is to hug your child one extra time for me today and do it in memory of my perfect angel, Sophie.

I am only allowing this information to become public now because I felt like I was being unfair to Sophie. I am not and have never been ashamed of Sophie's Down Syndrome. I guess my maternal instinct kicked in the minute I found out and I wanted to make sure that everyone loved her and missed her the same way she would have been if she had been normal. I couldn't allow any imperfect thoughts of her and harboring this information was the only way I could do it. I needed to protect her but I realized...after two years... that God is taking care of her memory just as he is her soul in heaven. Please say a prayer for me today and thank God for giving me Landry. She is the best little sister Sophie could have ever asked for and I am so proud to call her mine. Please know you can talk to me about this. I am ready now and I appreciate your love and support thoughout these past two years. Take care......r