**Update**
I have been meaning to update Landry's progress for a month now and I keep forgetting! On the potty training front, Landry has slowed down on the potty training but I completely expected it at her age. She understands what the potty is, knows what to do, understands she gets a treat and even knows when she pee-pees or poopies in her diaper that it's supposed to be in the potty. She points to it and says pee-pee...usually while she's doing it in her diaper! I knew that the excitement would wear off and that she would want to move on to something else so I am not surprised nor am I disappointed. I am very hopeful that she one day it will click and it will come pretty easily for her. Today she asked for her panties so I let her wear them for a little while. I made a big deal about them and we danced around and did the 'big girl panty dance'. YEP...you read right. We have a dance and a song! Maybe one day, I'll be able to video it and let her show it off to you. It is a hoot and she thinks she is such a big girl. She makes me so proud in so many ways that I just can't be worried about something like this right now. After all, she is only 15 months old!!
As far as her vocabulary...it is unreal. Seriously, I am not just saying it because she's my kid but she really had quite an extensive vocabulary for a child her age. I quit counting a month ago but I know she has between 175-200 words in her vocabulary. Landry understands so many things and she really knows how to communicate so well. She uses her signs regularly and she can easily tell me what she wants...or doesn't want! Most people that interact with her cannot believe how extensive her vocabulary is. She says please and thank you without me prompting her almost EVERY time she wants something or receives something. It has become somewhat automatic for her. It is the darndest thing you have ever seen. She can piece 2 and 3 word sentences together and she can follow instructions very well. She is learning to put her toys away and 'help' mommy when she is asked to. I rarely ever pick up her toys without her. I always want her to understand that she has a responsibility to help in some way. She seems to delight in helping and is always willing to do her part....wonder how long that will last! She is the sweetest, happiest child you can imagine. I don't know what in the world I have ever done to deserve such a joy but I won't question a gift from God.
Her favorite word these days....MAAAA MAAAA. Heaven...pure heaven.

Confession #2
*Do you think Landry looks like me?*

It has been seven years today since my mother left us here on earth. I have had a hard time with this one mainly because I have spent the last year watching the most amazing miracle happen each and every day. I have watched this child of mine grow and flourish and I can't help but to be sad at all of the things she is missing. Last year, I shared a little something about our little angel Sophie. It felt more like a confession because we were sharing something about her that we had kept in secret in order to protect not only her but ourselves as well. Today I have another confession. At some point I am going to have to share with Landry why her Grandmother died at such an early age and how. I am choosing to share it here because I feel like Landry deserves to the truth about some things and as painful as they are, it is a part of my life and her history. My mother suffered for many years with mental illness. She changed a lot when my parents divorced and the June Cleaver that she was started to fade away. When the nest emptied she found herself truly alone for the first time in her life. The only thing she really ever knew how to do was take care of people and there was no one left to take care of. She stayed with my great aunt for a number of years but that proved to be too much for her in her declining health and my aunts need for greater care. She moved into an apartment of her own and there she became very depressed. When 9/11 happened it really did something to her. She constantly stayed worried for herself and even more for her children. She was glued to the TV and got so wrapped up in what was going on in the world that she literally drove herself crazy. I thank God every day that she never had access to the Internet. I was going through a very painful divorce, moving into a home of my own and settling in to being single for the first time in 12 years and I got a call. It was a call that would change my life forever. I had just come back from making a quick trip to see her because I knew something was up. 11 days later, my mother had decided that taking an entire bottle Tylenol would be an easy way out. She managed to get down 56 of them and after 12 days of terrible suffering, it finally worked. One of the sad parts was that she thought she would just go to sleep and that would be that. After it didn't happen that way, she got scared and changed her mind but by then it was too late. They were already in her system and it took it that long to shut her liver, kidneys and other organs down. All of my sibling flew in and we all endured it together. Even my Daddy was there for the whole time. He is what saved me. I was very upset for many reasons and I didn't leave my mothers side for the last week of her life. I showered in her room, I slept there and I was laying across her chest when she took her last breath. At that point, I begged for God to take her and he finally did. As sad as it was, it was a huge relief. We just couldn't take it anymore. We were all so exhausted and we just wanted her to have some relief. It was so hard to see her like that. I don't ever think I will be able to escape those images I have of her. I was so upset at that point that I made all of the arrangements for her, I did her hair, helped them her dressed and ready, picked out her outfit to be viewed in, picked out her flowers and picked out the box we buried her ashes in. When the flowers arrived for her casket(we viewed her before we cremated her) I went nuts. They were certainly not good enough for her and I made them take them back. They had these huge chrysanthemums on them(like the ones on a homecoming corsage!) and I freaked out. The flowers they sent back were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen...even to this day. I am a control freak and everything had to be perfect... and I mean to the letter perfect. Rhonda and I did many of these tasks together but I will never forget being in the funeral home all alone with her and doing her hair. It was one of the saddest moments of my life and yet I was doing one last thing for her and it was incredibly gratifying. I knew that I would never be alone with her again and that even though she wasn't there, I knew she understood everything I was saying. If I could have one last conversation with her I would tell her that one day she would have all these beautiful grandchildren that would love and adore her. I would convince her that she had so many people that loved her and wanted her to be happy and complete. I would tell her that she was needed and wanted and that she had purpose. I would tell her that as many people that do a fantastic job of filling in for her, that there is no one like her Grandmother and that Landry needs you here. I would tell her that Landry needs her here to show off her new words and sweet smile and to be what she looks forward to. I would tell her that she needs to feel the love that only a grandchild can give her. I would tell her that in the seven years that she has been gone that there have been another 6 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild born to her and that they need her too. I never failed to tell her this(and often) but I would tell her that I loved her. If you can, would you please stop whatever you're doing and tell your mom all of these things? I only wish I could.

Good Stuff
Landry had her first trip to the beach today and absolutely loved it! It took her a minute to figure out how to steady herself on the sand but once she did she was an instant beach baby! I bought her a bucket and gardening tools for part of her Easter but I had to break it out early so she could use it at the beach. I slathered her up with 50 spf and we just had a blast. She went nuts when dipped her in the ocean. She did a complete belly laugh and it made my heart smile. I wish her Daddy could have been here to see it but Aunt Kelley was. She was the photographer for the day and she went to town. I actually got to be in a few pictures with Landry and that never happens! I will post a slide show in a few days when we get back but here is a preview of our bathing beauty!

Reflection

Be the Change in the World You want to See - Ghandi

I have written in many posts that I have always tried to be the face of God whenever and wherever I can. I am certainly not a poster child of an Apostle but I do try to live a good life, love with my whole heart and be a servant of God. His face in mine. That is a tall order and there are many, many days when I don't deliver. I am human and I fail because I am human but I can't stop trying.
This morning at church I seemed to have a bulls eye on me. I had one person after another asking me to do something or to help with something. I am a true believer that 20% of the people do 80% of the work in almost every situation. I love feeling needed and even better...wanted. I was asked to help with Vacation Bible School, the International Dinner, and the newly formed Wednesday night supper(which I am now in charge of!), I watched the nursery and gave Oblations(delivered the bread and wine to the altar with my sweet family). It was very fulfilling day to say the least but a little overwhelming. In the past few days, I have been asked to help design a school election poster, design a custom birthday invitatation, asked to help recover dining chairs at a funeral home and help with the election of Alderman in my community. In addition to that...I have accepted the chair position of Grand Opening Events for the Mississippi Children's Museum. It is a wonderful honor but also a huge task. More to come on this later. I also am in the final planning stages of my high school reunion. I have several trips planned between now and mid summer and did I mention that I still have Landry and a husband to tend to?! Whew! My cousin told me the other day that she gets tired thinking about all of the things I do. I am also trying to finish up some lighting business and start a new photography business. All this to say.....I am blessed! I love that I have THIS life. THIS life is the one I was supposed to live and I thank God every day for giving me the love, resources, talent, time and ability to be His face when I can. Who would have thought that the sick little baby girl sitting on the floor of a dirt poor orphanage half way around the world would be given the blessings of this life. I ask myself...do I have any other choice but to be His face when I can? I challenge you to take a quick inventory of your life and see how you can be be the face of Jesus today.
I want to end this on a quick note about a blessing I received today. My friend Jill came up to me and took me totally by surprise. She said she had something she wanted to talk to me about and I could tell it wasn't just going to be any ole conversation. She told me that had I taught her many lessons over the last 3 years. She reads my blog regularly and I know that my words really seem to touch her sometimes. I am so flattered that anyone would want to read my 'daily insanity' much less take a lesson from it. She told me about a new friend she met and how this woman was telling her about her 3 children. She said that her oldest passed away and immediately, Jill asked her about him. She admitted to me that this is something she would have totally avoided years ago but that something I said made an impression on her. She knows that it is a true desire of mine that my daughter, Sophie, is not forgotten. Some don't want to talk about their heavenly children but most feel like I do and want to have their precious children remembered. She said after she asked about him they got into a wonderful discussion and it was 3 hours later when they wrapped up their conversation. She said that this new friend really appreciated her interest and I think that their budding relationship was founded on something special. She needed her to care about her child and she did. She was the face of God for her new friend. She didn't know that day when she woke up that she was going to be but if it is in your heart, it just happens. Thank you, Jill, for reminding me why I live for God and why I want to be the face of Jesus. Today, you were the teacher.

Lazy Day
What makes a rainy day = a lazy day? Today Landry and I were absolute bums. She wanted to nap a good part of the day so who knows what time she will finally end up going to sleep tonight. If you know anything about my parenting style, you know that I am a schedule follower and that I NEVER deviate from her eating or bed time schedules. I am kind of OCD about it actually. I am so blessed that she is such a great sleeper. She rarely gets up in the middle of the night and when she does, she usually puts herself back to sleep. She has been sleeping about 11-12 hours every night. WOW!
Yesterday we had a lazy day too. It was one of those pajama days that we are all entitled to everyone once a while. I decided that March 12th was an optional pajama day for the rest of my life. So far, I have exercised the holiday for the last 3. The first year, several of my friends came over in their pajamas and we watched movies and ate lots of really bad(good) food...all day long. They left late in the afternoon and we met up again at Sophie's first annual Dessert before Dinner party. This year was the 3rd year to celebrate her and we really had a good time. I bought 4 balloon for us to send up to heaven. The first one had Happy Birthday on it for Sophie, the second one was all of the Disney princesses for Landry to send to her sister and Grandmother, the third one was a pink heart for Martha because her heart was so big and the last one was a smiley face for a sweet guy from our church who just passed away and his name was Grif. There have been some very special people to pass in the last month and I couldn't go to their funerals. I had a hard time admitting this at first but I just don't do funerals well. I didn't think I could handle such an emotional funeral as Martha's so I just didn't go. I felt terrible for not going but I just couldn't do it. I gave the balloons to Landry to send up to heaven and she screamed ' BALLOON!' and let them go. She waved bye-bye until we couldn't see them any longer. I thought she was going to get upset but she never did. It was almost like she knew where they were going. I want to thank everyone for coming and for all of the sweet thoughts and prayers. I got an unexpected gift yesterday from my cousin Mindy and her husband Jim. Little did she know but she sent me my favorite flowers. She sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and the sweetest card remembering Sophie. It was total surprise and one that truly touched my heart. The unexpected sentiments are the ones that really take you by surprise. I woke up this morning and they were such a beautiful way to start my day. Thank you Mindy...I will never forget your thoughtfulness. I was also surprised at all of the phone calls, emails and Facebook wishes. I know that life goes on and people forget but it is really nice to know that you are loved and thought of on difficult days. I certainly felt loved yesterday and the pain of the day was certainly dulled from all of the kindness. If you want to take a look at all of the pictures from yesterday click on my photo album to the right. Otherwise, here are a few I picked out from the day.

Celebrate Life

~"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."

Out of the blue today, this quote popped on my computer screen. I wasn't looking for it and I certainly didn't know what to think when I read it. Was it a sign? Was it a message straight from God? Yep...I know it was. I have seen many things along this healing journey that has helped me through to the next day. This quote will keep my heart safe for the rest of my life because I know how true it is. Sometimes you just have to see it written down. I needed it and God knew it. I kept thinking that all of those wonderful, beautiful days I have had with Landry would make my pain go away. For the most part, it absolutely has. It makes me know how blessed I am to be the Mother I was meant to be. It is the single greatest assignment that God has ever given me. She makes it so easy for me to have a sense of self worth and pride in my ability to raise her. Does that make sense? She gives me a sense of fulfillment that only comes from raising a child. She excels in ways that I never dreamed a child could. So many times, I hear people tell me how beautiful she is. What they don't know is that her heart is far more beautiful than her face. Her personality is far sweeter than those beautiful lips of hers and her compassion teaches me lessons every day. All this in the tiny body of a 15 month old. I love all these things and so many more about her. What it also reminds me of is the child I miss....the child that I delivered 3 short yet very long years ago. I miss my Sophie and no matter how much joy Landry brings me, that isn't going to change. I guess I assumed(hoped) that I would be instantly healed from my pain when we brought Landry in to this world but it doesn't work that way. I will always be the mother of two very special girls but I have to wait and see just how special my first born was. I know one day I will have that completeness I long for but it will be a while. For now, I have a very important job to do here on earth and there isn't anything more I would rather do. I miss you Sophie, more and more every day. Thank you for looking after your baby sister. You are doing a great job. I love you, baby girl and I can't wait till we meet again. Love, Momma

My Cutie Patootie
This is so Landry...they way she is 95% of our day. How lucky am I?

NOLA!
I just got back from New Orleans and did we have a great time! Six of my friends and I went on the train to NOLA for the weekend. We ate, danced, talked, laughed and people watched the whole weekend. As the 'social chair' for our group I told them when we were planning the trip that I wanted to do something 'touristy or cultural' while we were down there this time. I have been down to NOLA so many times and have rarely come out of the quarter. I proposed that we go on a swamp tour. Everyone was game so I booked a tour with Honey Island Swamp Tours. Our bus driver and our swamp tour guide were so good. They were informative, funny and insightful. They had some great tidbits of information to share and they really seemed like they enjoyed their jobs. We were all very impressed with the whole experience and I highly recommend checking it out if you are ever headed that way. As far as the girls...they were just great. We had a great group with a some diverse personalities. Everyone got along well and the goal of having a good time was certainly exceeded. I feel so blessed to know and love these women. I can't imagine not having the opportunity to be able to spend some 'Renee' time with my friends. It makes me a better wife and mother to just be me sometimes. It rejuvenates me and makes me appreciate the things I have in my life that are most important. Mike did a great job taking care of the Bug. I never doubted for a second that he wouldn't but isn't it nice to come back to a child who couldn't have been happier spending the weekend with her Daddy. They went to the playground, had lunch at the Chinese restaurant, went to Walmart and played and played. We talked on the phone several times and I got a few kisses blown to me from the Bug. He got Ashton to stay with her for a little while Friday night so he could hang out with some friends in the neighborhood but for the rest of the time...it was all Daddy...all the time! She was so sweet when I came home...she smiled that priceless smile and said MAAAA MAAAA! Heaven to my ears...pure heaven.
I have more pictures to post and other stories to tell but for now, I'll leave you with Buster...or at least that's what I named this beast. Scary isn't he?

Sponge
This is Landry starting to learn her numbers. She is such a sponge these day! I have a ton of video and some of it is so hilarious but it takes too long to upload! If you go back and look at the other videos in my account you just won't believe how much she's grown. Landry will learn just about anything as long as she gets some groceries for it! She can repeat her numbers to 5 if I help her. She knows what one, two and three represent when I count them out to her. I just stand in amazement at her for most of the hours in a day.

Realizations
Last week, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go with her to Baton Rouge to attend a photography workshop by Sam Puc. Mike was at a church retreat but fortunately I was able to work it out where I could go. There were only a few hours where we overlapped having care for Landry and she ended up being spoiled by both Nancy and Ashton. Landry is good at entertaining the masses! I made the round trip in one day so I was beat when I got home at 1am! I was so glad I went because I learned so much. She was really generous with her time and talent and I found her to be a very effective speaker. She did a live shoot and to me, that's where the rubber meets the road in learning. I can read all day long but really watching someone in action is my best teacher. I learned more in one wedding with Joe Photo than I would have in a dozen on my own. Yes...he is just that good. Sam even went over her allotted time by an hour which is the reason we got home so late. I got up the next day and went to church and I was dragging! I am so thankful that I have a husband and friends that help me work on this dream I've been dreaming. I am taking it slow and my actions are very deliberate. I am working to learn as much as I can technically but to me the most important part of photography to me is the human side. The part that connects you to your subject and extracts raw emotion from them. I am very much a photo journalistic style photographer and she really had a talent for creating the 'connection'. She shoots 10 clients a day 4 days a week. For the type of high end clientele she has that is almost unheard of. The fact that she has 4 children and has had over 40 foster children in her home just adds to my respect for her. All of this didn't exist in her life 9 short years ago. I can't even imagine. Please pray for me as I continue this journey. It is not only a new career path but also fuel to a passion I have had for a very long time. Last but not least, Sam is co-founding member of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. It is a ministry of photographers who volunteer their time and talent to give the parents of an infant images they might not otherwise have free of charge. They go to the hospital and do a photo shoot right in the room. I wish I had had someone who could have taken Sophie's pictures for me. Mike really did a great job getting some and I took a few but it really wasn't the same. It is such an emotional time and your heart is aching so much that sometimes you just forget the details of 'after the fact'. I haven't signed up to volunteer yet because I don't think I am ready yet. I know I will be one day and I hope to be able to give someone this gift in their time of sorrow. I know my time will come to help someone heal but as I approach Sophie's 3rd birthday, I have come to realize how much more time I need. The funny thing about having a super, wonderfully precious child like Landry is that it sure serves as a reminder of that sweet child you said good-bye to. Mike went to a funeral a few weeks ago at our church(I was at WPPI) and he told me that it really hit him really hard and he got rather emotional over it. I ached for him. I mean I really, really did. When our dear sweet Martha passed away a few days later, I wasn't sure if I could endure it myself. I didn't want to relive even a moment of one of the absolute worst days of my life. I pondered over it and at the last minute I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it to myself. I hated that I couldn't pay my respects to her but I finally convinced myself that I had already had and that it was when it was most important. It was when she still knew it and could enjoy the photos I took of her, her many friends and her family. I wanted to remember her sassy, smiling, and of course, with those lips decorated in her shade of red. I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve them all by creating these images. That day will live with me for a very long time. Martha, I know you are doing what we talked about. I hope you left a big red lip print on that sweet little face of hers. I know she was waiting on you...