Maderville

Confession #2
*Do you think Landry looks like me?*

It has been seven years today since my mother left us here on earth. I have had a hard time with this one mainly because I have spent the last year watching the most amazing miracle happen each and every day. I have watched this child of mine grow and flourish and I can't help but to be sad at all of the things she is missing. Last year, I shared a little something about our little angel Sophie. It felt more like a confession because we were sharing something about her that we had kept in secret in order to protect not only her but ourselves as well. Today I have another confession. At some point I am going to have to share with Landry why her Grandmother died at such an early age and how. I am choosing to share it here because I feel like Landry deserves to the truth about some things and as painful as they are, it is a part of my life and her history. My mother suffered for many years with mental illness. She changed a lot when my parents divorced and the June Cleaver that she was started to fade away. When the nest emptied she found herself truly alone for the first time in her life. The only thing she really ever knew how to do was take care of people and there was no one left to take care of. She stayed with my great aunt for a number of years but that proved to be too much for her in her declining health and my aunts need for greater care. She moved into an apartment of her own and there she became very depressed. When 9/11 happened it really did something to her. She constantly stayed worried for herself and even more for her children. She was glued to the TV and got so wrapped up in what was going on in the world that she literally drove herself crazy. I thank God every day that she never had access to the Internet. I was going through a very painful divorce, moving into a home of my own and settling in to being single for the first time in 12 years and I got a call. It was a call that would change my life forever. I had just come back from making a quick trip to see her because I knew something was up. 11 days later, my mother had decided that taking an entire bottle Tylenol would be an easy way out. She managed to get down 56 of them and after 12 days of terrible suffering, it finally worked. One of the sad parts was that she thought she would just go to sleep and that would be that. After it didn't happen that way, she got scared and changed her mind but by then it was too late. They were already in her system and it took it that long to shut her liver, kidneys and other organs down. All of my sibling flew in and we all endured it together. Even my Daddy was there for the whole time. He is what saved me. I was very upset for many reasons and I didn't leave my mothers side for the last week of her life. I showered in her room, I slept there and I was laying across her chest when she took her last breath. At that point, I begged for God to take her and he finally did. As sad as it was, it was a huge relief. We just couldn't take it anymore. We were all so exhausted and we just wanted her to have some relief. It was so hard to see her like that. I don't ever think I will be able to escape those images I have of her. I was so upset at that point that I made all of the arrangements for her, I did her hair, helped them her dressed and ready, picked out her outfit to be viewed in, picked out her flowers and picked out the box we buried her ashes in. When the flowers arrived for her casket(we viewed her before we cremated her) I went nuts. They were certainly not good enough for her and I made them take them back. They had these huge chrysanthemums on them(like the ones on a homecoming corsage!) and I freaked out. The flowers they sent back were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen...even to this day. I am a control freak and everything had to be perfect... and I mean to the letter perfect. Rhonda and I did many of these tasks together but I will never forget being in the funeral home all alone with her and doing her hair. It was one of the saddest moments of my life and yet I was doing one last thing for her and it was incredibly gratifying. I knew that I would never be alone with her again and that even though she wasn't there, I knew she understood everything I was saying. If I could have one last conversation with her I would tell her that one day she would have all these beautiful grandchildren that would love and adore her. I would convince her that she had so many people that loved her and wanted her to be happy and complete. I would tell her that she was needed and wanted and that she had purpose. I would tell her that as many people that do a fantastic job of filling in for her, that there is no one like her Grandmother and that Landry needs you here. I would tell her that Landry needs her here to show off her new words and sweet smile and to be what she looks forward to. I would tell her that she needs to feel the love that only a grandchild can give her. I would tell her that in the seven years that she has been gone that there have been another 6 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild born to her and that they need her too. I never failed to tell her this(and often) but I would tell her that I loved her. If you can, would you please stop whatever you're doing and tell your mom all of these things? I only wish I could.